How to set the family table

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Dear Rosemary left a comment last week when I posted my Easter table, that

Table decoration does not come naturally to me, so seeing some images helps me remember the salt and pepper, change the tablecloth, put some bunnies or eggs or candles out! I am truly a work in progress… as we all are.

I agree, we are a work in progress!

I’m sure I inadvertently reveal all sorts of inadequacies of my life over here on the interwebs — it’s sort of a risk of the enterprise. So I am not judging, but I do wish to help a bit, when I see something about family life on someone’s instructive video or blog that isn’t quite what it could be. I’m especially thinking of all the wonderful people who put so much effort into growing good, healthy, natural food, but then there is something lacking in the way they sit down to eat…

… maybe they don’t know how to set the family table?

(Keep scrolling past this holiday extravaganza for what I am talking about: everyday table setting!)

My power went out last week before I got the wineglasses set, so here is your view now of of my Easter table!

 

And the festive holiday setting might seem so dauntingly special that we don’t realize that a certain minimum standard ought to obtain at the ordinary family supper table.

What is the point of formality if the ordinary days are dreary or just not given attention…

Truly, the mother needs to think it all through and do what is necessary (and buy what is necessary!) to provide for a happy family meal, and, for the sake of maintaining a good resolution, practicality. Life already has a lot of moving parts, including things to clean and wash; why add to the load?

Well, there are reasons, but we can keep it realistic.

 

Some of those reasons?

  • Family dinner is one aspect of the sacramental life established by marriage (which, remember, is a sacrament for the baptized!). Before you give up right here, due to the naughtiness of your offspring, remember that I have posts galore (and a whole section in my book) on how to accomplish dinner together. I will link them below in the archives section! It’s a worthy goal to eat together, and will fortify your family against attacks and even destruction.
  • Life is hierarchical, and hierarchy is expressed in ritual. We need to reflect that reality in this gathering that we accomplish (and we do accomplish it, for better or for worse, because they — and you know who they are — have to eat). Ritual is expressed in material things — conviviality, conversation, enjoyment: these all happen by means of material circumstances. Yes, the food; but other things too, and I will show you what those are.
  • We teach our children obedience not by random stabs of oppressive authority, but by a loving and affectionate structure that we build in the home, to live the truth that authority ought not to be the same as raw power, and obedience is not a burden, but a peaceable fruit of justice.
  • Pretty things, arranged with motherly love, radiate goodness. Our children will come to expect humble order and everyday beauty, and that expectation will stand them in good stead later on, when allurements not based in love come their way. They will already know what home looks and feels like, and they will take that knowledge with them, making it their own in their own way, which is the flourishing of beauty in the world.

But this is all quite simple — by now you are expecting something so grandiose, but it’s just that the collective memory needs a little jog — nothing too overwhelming.

I’ll use my kitchen table here for demonstration purposes, because I haven’t dismantled my dining table Easter setting yet! (I do recommend using your dining room if you have a lot of children. It can feel much more peaceful for the mother to leave the kitchen behind. A lot of the perceived difficulty of the family dinner table is the mental “noise” of the kitchen the mother has been in for many hours.)

When we moved here 24 years ago, I bought this wonderful table that has two leaves that store right under the table top — it can sit six or eight or ten (and more if you put two people on each end). It’s sturdy maple and has some finish that protects it against heat, which has helped me simplify life, tablecloth-wise. I find that with children, a tablecloth offers too much scope for pulling, yanking, spilling… and the obvious laundry pressure is too much. I like a wipeable surface but I also wanted it to be beautiful, and this table works great for me.

If you find an older table with a worn finish, I recommend sanding the top and then finishing it with beeswax — you can stain it first if you want to (and that is remarkably easy to do!), but the wax will slightly darken it if you like the color. My den coffee table got this treatment and it’s amazingly waterproof now. The beeswax is easy to re-apply and quite wipeable. I do not recommend painting the top of your table — paint will inevitably chip, and you will start to have that annoyed feeling that things are grubby…

Just make sure that the table is sturdy, and ditto the chairs.

I have two stools at either end of my island, and sometimes if our gathering is large, people do spill over to those spots for their supper, but in general, I would not default to serving meals at the island, for reasons of hierarchy and ritual that I go into below. I know that big kitchen island bars seem like a fixture for eating, but in my opinion, meals should be taken at the table!

If you love textiles but share my ansty-ness about tablecloths for daily use, you can channel that love into a small cloth in the center (not even rising to the level of table runner, which offers the same sort of target of opportunity as a tablecloth, to be honest). I have found and been handed down many sweetly embroidered and decorated little linens that work well to provide a sort of landing place for objects that need to be on the table, without needing constant attention.

I love using cloth napkins (all cotton or linen — don’t waste your money on any synthetics as they will annoy the heck out of you and not last). The key is to have individualized napkin rings and to make some sort of ritual out of putting the napkins into said ring when the little imps are being excused. Paper napkins are… trashy… and cloth napkins can be reused quite a bit if that ring is faithfully deployed. They can be kept in a basket, not at the places, because you have to wipe down your table after every meal and they will be in your way. The children can be taught to put them in the basket or on the tray.

Every few days (or after a particularly messy supper), collect and wash them. As with candles, the key is to have a good supply.

They are easy enough to make, but I often find nice ones on clearance at Marshall’s or my local big-lot store (here it’s called Ocean State Job Lot — do you have a store like that? over in a corner you will find cloth napkins and even china — all sorts of things to use for the family table).

Candles… every table needs to have candles. I die a little when people don’t light their candles (and totally reject a restaurant with none! what on earth) — an unlit candle at supper is rather sad.

 

I used to be that hostess, though! I thought of the candles as things to put in the candlesticks: decoration only. What changed? Having a stash of candles! A big stash… and getting them blessed at Candlemas. You need enough so that you don’t worry about hoarding them. Just buy them in bulk (I love these — yes, beeswax are superior but these are great — affiliate link).

When you light the candles, the children become calm and attentive, and the table takes on a holy glow. You can use votives (affiliate link) if you don’t trust your tribe to be civilized with tapers, and if there is a lot of passing across the table, tapers may indeed be risky! But if you do go for tapers, establish a rule early on that they not be touched — it’s a bad habit to pick at the hardened drips anyway; just leave them alone.

You can make rules about who lights them and who snuffs them, but it’s all worth it! Candles make the table.

It really does matter who sits where. You will have to strategize — and then update your strategy periodically — regarding seat mates, high chair location, and positioning of persons capable of passing platters and helping needy siblings.

But most importantly, the father ought to sit at the head of the table and the mother at the other end (I like to sit at the end that gives me quickest access to the kitchen work area, since you know I will be going back there for something).

Establishing the hierarchy in this practical way wordlessly conveys so much to the children. We could lecture them about Dad’s authority, or we could put him at the head of the table. We could harangue them about needing to respect their parents — or we could be king and queen in our manor without mentioning a thing, even if our manor is an apartment on the third floor!

The family is not a democracy — but even in a democracy, there is order and hierarchy (or soon will be, no matter how hard the citizens try to achieve equality). What you don’t want, what will not be good for your family, is for a child to be in the position meant for the parent. Besides, at the ends of the table, the parents can more easily keep order and give each other the necessary glances.

I almost always have a stack of plates at my place and serve that way, rather than pass the food, since small children can’t handle taking their own food and passing serving dishes — by the time they do, everything is cold! This way I can tailor the helpings to the person and avoid throwing food away, a pet peeve of mine! You can eat as much as you want — just don’t waste it!

Sometimes you have to feed the children first when there are a lot of them, but there can still be the essentials at the table!

With a lot of people, there often is not enough room for the food as well, though I do prefer serving “family style” with the food in nice cooking vessels or serving dishes, so I will serve it from the island, putting only the bread and butter on the table, and maybe the salad.

Here you see the stack of plates ready to go — if I were actually serving supper, you’d see the food there too, and I can easily get up to give people seconds or bring the serving dishes to the table later to pass, having consolidated somewhat.

Put the things you will need on or near the table so that you aren’t jumping up and down all the time!

What are these things that you need handy?

  • Candles, matches — making a matchbox with a strike plate is a good craft for a child and will serve you well, upping your prettiness quotient for sure — and a receptacle for spent matches. Look around and you will find something to use for that purpose (a stray soft-boiled egg cup, a small saucer, a little bowl)
  • Salt and pepper
  • Napkins (cloth ones in a basket, a stash of paper ones for a particularly greasy/messy meal nearby in their own holder)
  • A water pitcher — get a nice, sturdy one. An enameled one is pretty and durable. Now that it’s just the two of us, I have the borosilicate one you see here (affiliate link), but I bring out my enameled one when there are lots of kids
  • Cups — I prefer sturdy, virtually unbreakable Duralex glasses that are kept on personalized coasters, or tin cups in various colors that can be tracked during the day (I have picked those up at thrift stores over the years)

  • Utensils — Some mothers use a caddy and keep it on the sideboard near the table; at least have them not clear across the room (mine are in the drawer of the island), because you will find you need access to them
  • Some sort of little centerpiece as the liturgical season suggests
  • A tray and/or linen to make a defined spot for these things, as well as to facilitate wiping the table down after the meal — you can slide it to one side or remove it completely in one go (if tray)

Sit down, mother, to eat. Let your husband lead grace, with everyone joining in after he has begun. What is the point in growing or otherwise obtaining good food and preparing it well if we are not going to thank God for it? What is it all for?

In our house it’s like this: I survey everything (or delegate to a competent child) to be sure we have everything we need and are ready — meaning children are seated and we’ve supplied the necessaries as outlined above — and I am ready to sit down. (Often I do remain standing during grace and sit down when it’s over, but the main point is that I am ready to be seated! And not just continuing to bustle about.)

To get everyone’s attention, I say, “Let’s say grace,” and that’s my husband’s cue to begin the Sign of the Cross and start, “Bless us O Lord” (or intone our sung grace) — and we all join in, having also made the Sign of the Cross.

And then we enjoy our supper as a family! I hope you do too, and I hope this helps if you have been having a bit of trouble figuring out the family table!

bits & pieces

 

from the archives

As promised above, here are some of my family dinner together posts:

All the posts (and much more!) are collected and edited in my book, The Summa Domestica! If you love detailed explanations of every little thing, then you should buy it!

 

liturgical living

Rounding out the Octave of Easter! 

 

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