Party Guest Etiquette: DOs and DON’Ts for Dinners & More

When going to parties, questions arise like: Will I know anyone else there? What time should I arrive? Do I need to bring a gift? And, of course, what should I wear? Today, we will help to alleviate this anxiety.

Whether it’s cocktails, dinner at a friend’s or colleague’s house, or even a neighborhood barbecue, attending a party can be a wonderful occasion for many of us. Of course, here at the Gentleman’s Gazette, we just love an excuse to brush up on our dress codes and create a new outfit for the event. But there’s no denying that being invited as a guest to a party can be a source of anxiety, too. Fortunately, we’ve got tips to help you put your best foot forward as a party guest.

Why Does Etiquette Matter?

Until the overall casualization of society that began in the mid-to-late-20th century, an invitation was both request and instruction all in one, with hardly any possibility of misinterpretation. As a perfect example of this, we can turn to how M invited James Bond to dinner in 1964’s Goldfinger.

In a few seconds, Bond has received the location, time, and dress code for the evening’s affair, and he can safely assume that M means “7 PM, that day,” as no other date was mentioned and that, given the start time of the event, dinner will be served. The only other thing that makes this invitation even more impressive is that M managed to deliver it in exactly “007” words. 

Nowadays, though, as society has become less strict with these sorts of things, an invitation to a party can be more easily misconstrued. In turn, this often leads hosts to provide a more lengthy explanation for what they’re hoping to get out of their party, but this can sometimes lead to even more confusion. And even with a well-thought-out invitation – and the due diligence to follow it – you still have to navigate the party itself once you arrive.

So, in order to address any concerns you might have as a potential party guest, we’ve split today’s guide into two parts: the first covers pre-party preparations, and the second covers how you should behave as a party guest. By the end, you should be all set to be the best guest that a host could ask for, which usually means you’ll get invited to more parties. With this in mind, then, let’s get started with our first list of top tips prior to the party.

Pre-Party Advice

1. RSVP

We’ll start here with tip one: RSVP. Without a doubt, the most important thing you can do is to let your host know whether you will or won’t be attending the party. This is a pretty simple one, so we’ll keep things short and sweet here.

Not responding to an invitation will cause your host to have to guess on all manner of things – from the necessary size of the venue to the catering budget. Put yourself in the shoes of the host here. If you invite twenty people to a party and ten confirm that they will be attending, then you can safely plan around that number of attendees.

But, if the ten people that didn’t respond suddenly show up on the day of the event, then things could quickly get out of hand. After all, the ten that did RSVP probably won’t want to give up half of their meal.

2. Respect The Invitation

Naturally, if you’re unable to attend a party to which you’ve been invited, then it’s a simple matter of politely declining the invitation; and even if you can attend but would rather not, then it’s also best to keep things simple.

Words to the effect of “Thank you for the kind invitation. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend,” should be sufficient. Don’t feel the need to over-explain with a lie about other plans if you don’t have them, but don’t just say I don’t want to come either.

In both cases, it’s just best to be succinct and polite. And assuming you do RSVP “Yes,” remember that an invitation is not an opening negotiation. So, don’t call up your host and assume or demand that you’re going to get special treatment. 

What do we mean by this? Well, essentially, if there’s a dress code that you don’t want to follow, or the food being served doesn’t follow your diet or you don’t want to hire a babysitter for the evening, then it’s probably best to just decline the invitation.

After all, if you’re dissatisfied with the parameters of the party, you’re probably going to be a worse guest, which your host won’t appreciate, and then you’ll both end up having a less-than-perfect time. In these situations, then, remember that you shouldn’t be looking to change the party parameters, as much as just exercising your right not to attend.

By the time you’ve received a formal invitation, your hosts have likely already decided what’s going to be on offer for the evening. So, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you accept those terms. But with that being said, that brings us nicely to our third point.

3. It’s OK To Ask Questions About The Party

Clarifying questions is never going to offend anyone, assuming you’ve done your best to understand the intentions of the hosts in advance. If something isn’t clear to you, ask about it well before the party.

By this, we mean within a few days of receiving your invitation and remembering that sooner is always better – and definitely don’t wait until the day of the event, as your host is likely going to be almost unreachable at that point. Remember that they have a party to set up for and host, so it’s unreasonable to expect that they’re just going to be on call to answer any questions you should have already gotten answered earlier.

As an example of something many people want to be clarified beforehand, we can bring up our next point, which is to understand who will be in attendance.

4. Understand Guest List Parameters

In a nutshell here, you should expect no more and no less than those who were expressly listed on the invitation or guest list. We understand that maybe you’d like to bring along a friend or your cousin who happens to be in town, but if they weren’t on the guest list, they’re probably not invited.

As we said before, you shouldn’t expect special treatment. So, if a specific name or a statement like “guests are permitted to bring a plus one” isn’t on the invitation, then you shouldn’t expect that you can bring along additional people.

There is one caveat here though: if the invitation you’ve received is verbal, then it’s up to you to clarify who is and is not invited. And if you don’t want to put the host on the spot at that exact moment, just be sure to circle back later to confirm who is and isn’t on the guest list.

5. Follow The Dress Code

Our next is tip is to follow the dress code. This probably comes as no surprise, but here at the Gentleman’s Gazette, we love our dress codes. Still, we understand that not everybody has the same level of passion for them or understanding of them as we do. The simplest advice we can give here if you’re not a dress code connoisseur, is simply to do your best to respect the code that’s been stated and do a bit of research if you can. Of course, our guide on dress codes is a great place to start.

For more important or formal events like weddings or funerals, you absolutely need to adhere to the stated dress code as a show of respect for the formality of the occasion. Meanwhile, for more relaxed parties like holiday gatherings or dinner at a friend’s house, you can consider the dress code more of a general suggestion and wear what you’d like to within reason. After all, even if they’re how you’re most comfortable, sweats and a hoodie won’t show any respect to your host.

If there’s no dress code listed for the event or an ambiguous dress code, like the ubiquitous “semi-formal,” then you can go for a happy middle ground. Don’t attempt to outdress or underdress your hosts, and for most non-dress-coded events, we’ve found that something along the lines of business casual is a pretty safe bet. And as we just mentioned, so long as you’re doing it early enough, it won’t hurt to ask the host beforehand.

6. Arrive On Time

Our final tip in this first list is number six: arrive on time. As the date of the party draws closer, you’ll probably get more excited to turn up. But it’s important to get your arrival time right as well. So, honor the time frame of the party that’s listed on the invitation, and remember it’s not a negotiation.

Most hosts will be fine with a slight window on either side of the stated arrival time – generally 5 to 10 minutes before and 10 to 15 minutes after. After all, it’s rare for absolutely everyone to turn up exactly on time.

In some cases – and especially if you’re close to the host – you can inquire if arriving earlier or staying later to help with setup or tear down would be helpful. Just be gracious if the answer is no, as your host might already have other plans.

Party Guest Etiquette

1. Greetings & Goodbyes

With all of the pre-party planning squared away, let’s move on to how you can be the best guest while at the event itself. We’ll start this second list with greetings and goodbyes.

With only rare exceptions, you should always greet your hosts or hosts upon arrival and say goodbye to them before leaving. Not doing these things is the best way to give the impression that you’re just a freeloader, who showed up for some free food and drinks. Simply put here, our favorite way to remember this rule is with the following phrase: “If you were invited, don’t behave like a party crasher.”

2. Proper Shoe Etiquette

Next up is answering the question: shoes on or off? This next piece of etiquette probably won’t apply to most corporate functions or events held in public spaces, but if you’ve been invited to a party in someone’s private domestic space, there’s a chance you might be asked to remove your footwear once you arrive.

Of course, we all have our own individual rules about wearing outdoor footwear in the house. So, if you’re unsure of what to do, you should just ask your host; and if they’re unavailable, then follow the visual example of other guests; and if you’re generally a shoes-on kind of person, you can also consider bringing along a separate pair of slippers or house shoes to wear once you arrive.

At the very least, though, you really should be wearing socks, and you might even want to consider bringing a spare pair of those in case you spring a hole in the ones you’re wearing. Speaking of which, we find that a spare pair of Fort Belvedere socks are not only great to have in these circumstances, but it also makes for a great gift, which brings us to point number three here: the giving of gifts.

3. Gift Giving

The discussion around whether you should or shouldn’t buy and bring along a gift for your host is one that’s been going on for decades. It’s often the biggest source of anxiety for many guests, and you might have even heard the phrase, “Never show up to a party empty-handed.” And while this is meant to be a kind and welcoming gesture, this particular piece of party etiquette might not be as relevant anymore in the 21st century.

Unless it’s an occasion where a gift is expected, such as at a birthday party or a wedding, most hosts these days aren’t going to expect you bring a gift. In fact, even though it’s meant well, some hosts might even see a gift as an imposition as it’s just one more thing for them to deal with on the day of the party.

Still, if you do want to present a gift, just make sure that you’ve clearly labeled that it’s from you. To share a story on this topic, Raphael and Teresa once received several bottles of wine from party guests. They wanted to reach out with thank you notes for the generosity of these guests, but since none of the bottles were labeled, they didn’t know how to send out any notes appropriately.

4. Supervise Your Kids

Meanwhile, something that everyone will definitely thank you for is our number four item: supervise your kids closely. If you have children and you’re bringing them to a party, it’s up to you to monitor how your kids are being respectful party guests.

It’s important to remind them that they’re no longer in their own home, and while they’re probably going to be excited to attend a party with you, you should remember to tell them that they can’t just run wild. Tell them that they need to stay within the party perimeter (more on that in a moment) and also to respect the space and the other guests.

Ultimately, as their guardian, it’s you, not the host, who is responsible for the safety and well-being of your kids; and it never hurts to have a refresher with your kids before attending a party about proper etiquette, especially when it comes to food faux pas.

5. Table Manners

Speaking of etiquette refreshers then, let’s talk table manners with our number five list item. Luckily Raphael has already covered the topic of table manners in-depth, so you should be all set here. Still, parties can also present the opportunity for finger food or a buffet, so we’ve got some additional tips here as well.

First, always wash your hands before digging in. If there’s a napkin on or next to the plate, pick it up and put it under the plate or in your lap. Don’t just pile food on top of the napkin. (Seriously, why do people do this?) If there’s a buffet, be sensible with which foods you choose and the portion sizes. After all, especially if there isn’t a place to sit, you probably don’t want to pick messy food like lasagna for the potential of unwanted stains.

And on a similar note: remember that this isn’t an all-you-can-eat restaurant, so be mindful of your portions overall and be respectful of how the line forms for others who want food at the party.

6. Drink In Moderation

Keeping modesty in mind here, this brings us to our number six point: drink in moderation. Simply put here, there’s a difference between having fun and getting plastered in a public setting like a party. Your goal should be to balance having a good time with respecting your host and the other guests. No one wants to deal with a drunk party guest.

Once again, Raphael is on hand to help you balance your booze in another post.

7. Respect The Party Perimeter

Next up is to respect the party perimeter. We touched on this point briefly when talking about bringing kids to a party, but it bears mentioning for everyone.

A party is not your opportunity to give yourself a self-guided home tour without your host. Chances are they don’t want you exploring on your own, so if they haven’t offered to give you a home tour, the tour isn’t happening.

This rule can also be widened to events outside the home with the simple understanding that if a door is closed, you should respect that and keep it closed. Meanwhile, one door that you hopefully won’t find closed is the door to great discussions, which are covered by our next two picks.

8. Courteous Conversation

When chatting with fellow party guests, remember to keep things light. A party isn’t the time to stake a position on a topic and defend it at all costs. So, tread lightly if controversial conversation topics come up at a party.

If you’re faced with an aggressive conversationalist, you can always excuse yourself to go to the restroom or refill your drink. But if you want to be more direct, saying something simple, firm, and gentlemanly is a good course of action. You can go with something like, “Let’s change the subject. I don’t think this topic is what our host had in mind for the event.”

Meanwhile, while small talk can be less than elegant, a party is one place where it might be expected, at least as a way to segue into deeper conversation.

9. Ask for Introductions

Backing up a bit here, before you can get into a good conversation, you might need to consult our number nine tip, which is to ask for introductions.

We’ve probably all been in this situation at least once, but if you’re at a party where you’re on your own or don’t know many people, it can be helpful to ask your host to introduce you to some of them. This is one of the reasons why it’s so important to greet your host when you arrive.

And if you’re confident enough to make introductions on your own – a subject that we can also assist you with – it’s helpful to have a few good conversation starters. Think of things like, “Have you had a chance to try the food and drinks yet? Is there anything you’d recommend,” “This is a great space have you been here before,” and if you’re in need of something more direct, just go with the simple, “Hi, I’m Preston. How do you know the host?”

If you’re looking for even more expert tips on conversation, then Raphael is again on-hand to help you in another guide, but I don’t think he’s eating or drinking in this one.

10. As the Event Ends, Respect Your Host’s Wishes

Finally, here, we come to the tenth tip on the list. As the event ends, respect your hosts wishes. Really, this one brings us full circle, as this is a sentiment that started all the way back in the invitation stage and should have continued all the way through the party, and that is: keeping respect in mind.

As an example here, definitely don’t just start doing the dishes at someone else’s party. But, remember to ask first, and if their answer is “no,” then they mean “no.” After all, hosting a party is an enjoyable but energy and time-consuming task, and your host might just want to kick back and relax after the party ends.

Read the room, don’t overstay your welcome, and leave the host to rest so they can enjoy the completion of a successful party.

Which of our tips did you find the most helpful? Are there any that you think we missed, and which ones will you be employing for your next party? Let us know in the comments below.

Outfit Rundown

Today, I’m wearing a fairly casual outfit better suited for a backyard barbecue. My short-sleeved linen sport shirt is from the Australian brand Coast Clothing, and it features yellow and white stripes. I’ve worn it untucked today for a casual feel over plain brown trousers and medium brown suede loafers in a moccasin style from the brand Velasca.

My socks are from Fort Belvedere. They’re two-tone, shadow-stripe models in caramel and dark burgundy to harmonize with the other colors in my outfit. I’ve also decided to leave the product out of my hair today for a more casual feel, and where a fragrance is concerned, I’ve gone for the scent Oxford from the Roberto Ugolini collection. I selected it partly for its warm and inviting character, good for a party, with its notes of cinnamon and citrus, but also because the color of the bottle harmonizes with my outfit, too.

And, of course, for a wide selection of stylish men’s accessories, including the socks I’m wearing today and the fragrance from the Roberto Ugolini collection, you can take a look at the Fort Belvedere shop.